Songs: Wallies

notes / gigs / releases

An entirely fictional character
What I have invented
Spent Saturday looking at loungewear
In Marks & Sparks & Spencers
He noticed, looming large above
The range of nocturnal garments
Were moody monochrome images
Of models in pajamas

They didn't look as comfortable
As one might expect
They were dressed for watching Strictly
But they wanted to be dead
And they said

What a bunch of wallies we look like
What a bunch of pillocks and twits
What a bunch of wallies we feel like
Everybody's taking the piss

Now this may shock you but I'm not
A massive fan of fashion
And so I simply laughed at them
Devoid of all compassion
But then a mighty, spooky voice
Said "Don't be mean and spiteful!"
I turned and Lo in the food hall
Was the Ghost of old St Michael

I said St Michael this is not
A song in which I learn
A lesson in the middle eight
That lesson's long been learnt
Observe:

Everybody's somebody's wally
Everyone is somebody's twit
I've known this fact since I was nineteen years old
And do I look like I give a shit?

It's been true since since Mike Berry
Sang it in the 1980s
On the B-Side of a ZX Spectrum game
It'll be true in the future
When our brains are on computers
So come on Wallies let's embrace
Our walliness and say:

Everybody's somebody's wally
Everybody's somebody's prat
There's not much point in getting upset though
Come on all you wallies, chillax

Let's stare at the horizon
In a moody manner
Let's lean on late night balconies
And smile while eating salad
Let's throw our heads back laughing
With jumpers round our necks
As we drink red wine at parties
Standing on the patio deck

St Michael said that's fair enough
And fiddled with his lanyard
As he shuffled off he whispered
Have you scanned your Sparks card
J'ai dit - a plus tard! Par ce que:

Everybody's somebody's wally
Everybody's somebody's twit
Everybody's somebody's wally
What a bunch of wallies we is
Come on you wallies!
Everybody's somebody's wally
Everybody's somebody's twit
Everybody's somebody's wally

Published by Wipe Out Music Publishing

This was written in the first batch of songs post-'Still Valid' and, like most of those songs, I wanted it to have a bit at the end that the audience could sing while I sang something else over the top. It's something that I saw Mr G Osborne do that I wanted to NICK!

Most of it is based on exactly what it sounds like - me standing in Marks and Sparks and thinking about the images - but I wanted to get that bit in in the middle about Mike Berry because I was VERY aware that someone had written a song about wallies before!