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Blog: Bank In Hopelessly Incompetent Shocker

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Last night I worked LATE, hitting a BIORHYTHMICAL HIGH which peaked around 6.30pm, tailing off completely just before 9 o'clock. It was thus a Happy Hibbett, full of JOB SATISFACTION who strolled off down the road to get a TUBE to see The Gresham Flyers, who I'd not seen for AGES, stopping on the way to get some CA$H out for the evening's fun. MISTAKE.

For LO! I checked my balance, saw all was well, asked for fifty quid and then... NOTHING! Nothing until the machine said "YOUR CARD HAS BEEN RETAINED!"


A telephone number FLASHED across the screen for about 0.2 picoseconds, to be replaced by that ALWAYS annoying (and now significantly MORE so) twee little picture of a robot saying "Sorry, this cashpoint isn't working." SIDEBAR: as i think I am on RECORD as saying, i like a bank that doesn't hide the fact that they're a bunch of money-grubbing bloody nazi's and find this whole thing about "some of the nicest people come through these doors" and "ooh winky dinky woo, i am a holey in da wally ickle woo want some pennies for sweeties" a load of old BOLLOCKS. It's a BANK - a hateful enterprise dedicated to increasing the coffers of THE MAN, why is it pretending to be a KINDERGARTEN?

Anyway, after a couple of attempts I worked out the correct number to ring and spoke to some poor sod in, by the sounds of it, India who asked for my account number. I couldn't tell him as IT WAS ON MY CARD but he was able to get it from his MACHINE after I'd given him Secret Information. He could see where I was and how much I'd asked for but NOT WHY IT HAD HAPPENED. He then happily told me my new card would be there in 7-10 Working Days.

WHAAAAAT?!? GODDAMIT, I know they always CLAIM the reason for call centres is to cut costs, but it seems the REAL reason is to stop people going into a BERZERKER RAGE. I KNEW he had nothing to do with it, and kept thinking "Don't shout, don't swear, it's not his fault" and so was left FURIOUS and RAGING as I STOMPED HOME, plans for GIGGAGE foiled by a) no money b) TOO ANGRY.

After being sympathised with and cheered up by The Money In My Account when I got home I was somewhat LESS RIGHTEOUS this morning when I popped into a branch to get out some CA$H (who knew a PASSPORT could be so useful?), although this didn't last long after I'd asked if they could tell me what had happened. "You need to go into the branch nearest the machine" "I ALREADY AM".

They hadn't got a clue, and did that annoying thing where a queue of several people ask the next person along a question until it reaches a BOSS who passes it all the way back to me - all done behind a glass panel - instead of talking directly to ME. Eventually I was sent to see a Personal Banker who, for some reason, could tell me more.

Now, I know banks pay a lot of money to their staff (SIDEBAR TWO is it me, or are all the people who say "oh yes, we must pay vast sums of money to attract the best people" about AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE from ANYBODY's idea of "the best" for ANYTHING that it's possible to guest? ALSO: if only bonuses attract "the best", does that mean they haven't been paying them for the past 10 years then? ALSO ALSO: surely, actually, paying vast sums of money does NOT attract "The best" but rather "THE GREEDIEST"?)... that was a long sidebar wasn't it? Anyway, yes, I know they pay a lot of money, but I was astounded to discover it was enough to allow them to employ CRISTIANO RONALDO on non-match days. Yet there he was, speaking SOOTHINGLY while looking at his computer. He, of course, had no more idea than anybody else, but he did seem authorised to a) appear more apologetic and b) at least entertain the idea that it wasn't my fault. He also looked like he was about to CRY at any point, which i guess is the transferable skill which first attracted Barclays to him.

So that was that - a complete bloody mess caused by The Banks who offered pretend apologies but will do absolutely nothing about it, leaving The Public massively inconvenienced. My LIFE is turning into a SOCIETAL METAPHOR!

posted 13/2/2009 by MJ Hibbett

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Sounds like you got off lightly - every time I go into a branch they try and make me see the "personal banker" who then proceeds to "review my account" and tries to tell me I need ANOTHER credit card, home insurance, life insurance, car insurance etc etc - oh AND a special bank account that gives me a small discount on all these things that I don't even want, but the special account costs
posted 13/2/2009 by Francis

I actually went in last month and CANCELLED my
posted 14/2/2009 by MJ Hibbett

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